What I Want

I don't know what I want.
Kinda.


I want a mutually happy, loving, trusting  respecting relationship... Which is (at 42 I'm convinced) a myth. Finally realizing that, I need a plan B. So back to the drawing board, what do I want?

Financial security
A kick ass career/ business
A full social life filled with friends I adore
Quality time with my daughters and grandson (a given)
A smoking body. At least for a woman in her 40's. Hello?! Look at Jen Aniston and Cameron Diaz!
To change my living situation (I'm in his house at the moment). I'm considering renting a house boat to live on, I mean, why the hell not, right?
To put an end to a failing relationship. When something is wounded beyond help the humane thing to do is put it out of it's misery.
A clear head
A positive disposition. Cynical is easy to do it's happy that's a bitch to maintain.

Yeah, So...

Here's the low down:

I spent $265.00 on a months worth of powdered food from Medifast that is supposed to make me lose weight super fast.
....If used properly.

I didn't use it properly.

I'm sure that properly does not include a big glass of German red wine before bed or bugging your 9 year old for half of her chocolate bar. Meh.

The good news is that I still have at least 2.5 weeks worth of the diet food stuff so I plan on giving it another go. You would think with all of the kick ass clothes I have hanging in my closet (and that I continue to buy... that don't fit) that I'd find some sort of will power. Or, the insecurity I feel around my boyfrusband (more than a boyfriend not quite a husband)... But, no, I continue to self sabotage, telling myself I'll start tomorrow and a million other bullshit self indulgent lies.

Vanity and ego, I'm a little disappointed in you guys, you're letting me down....

The only positive thing I have to hold on to is that despite my weight gain, I still look better than his ex wives and horse face. SNAP!
 

Update

Let's Talk About "Pokes"

Soooo.... I have this Facebook friend that we will call Chester (don't ask). Anyway, I know Chester from once upon a time when I used to work band nights in a very cool bar here in town. Chester was and still is a well known bass player in the local scene. I've always kind of and a little crush on Chester and felt that it might have been reciprocated but due to my husband, his girlfriend and radically different lifestyles I opted not to chase him until he caught me. Fast forward 10 years: now he has a wife and I have a boyfriend. We reconnected via social networking. We don't talk, we don't even leave comments on the others page. We "poke" each other.

We've been poking each other for over a year now.

He started it.

Que the soap opera music...

What I want to know is what does this mean? Is he flirting with me? Is he poking a bunch of girls and I'm just a number?

Am I reading too much into the poke?

Am I a horrible person because I nonchalantly (like I don't notice him noticing) let my boyfriend see the email update saying that Chester poked me so that he will get jealous?

Should I get a life? (That was rhetorical.)

In dieting news: I have zero desire to work out this morning. Blahhhhhhhhh.

Single Gray Hair

What is it about that one, single gray hair that you just happen to notice as you look in the drivers side mirror of your car - that makes you feel decrepit? At 42,  knock on wood, I have not had to color my hair.. YET. However, these lonely gray strands seem to keep popping up. Curse you.

On a different note, here is my before photo - taken Saturday night

Jeez, I look Cousin It's chunky sister taking a picture. And I need to clean my mirror. And make my bed.

Off to make some fresh veggie juice (taste much better than it looks) and get in 20 minutes on the bike. Maybe hit the boyfriend up for lights out sex later tonight if I don't fall asleep first.

I Hate The Scale And Other Ponderings

Let me just start by saying that - I really hate the scale or scales in general. Especially every scale at the YMCA. Maybe one day we'll be friends (if I'm ever worthy) but for now this object that projects large numbers in my face is no better than the catty girl in the locker room looking me up and down. I don't know... Maybe I should thank you scale (and locker room bitch). Maybe you're the rude awakening I've needed. As if not being able to zip and button my pants isn't enough.

Ok, so, enough of that. Last night I did 25 minutes on the bike in hopes of spiking my metabolism *crosses fingers* and as soon as I'm done w/ my coffee and this entry I'm off to do 2 miles at the park - with weights-. Go me!

Today's 1300 calorie intake (meh)

hemp shake w rice water, 1/2 banana & 1 tsp honey

1 serving almonds

1/2 sweet potato raw

1 serving chickpeas

1 serving green olives

1/2 can tuna

1 serving cottage cheese

1/4 cantaloupe

veggie/fruit juice

1 serving gluten free pasta w marinara and 2 tsp olive oil

Maybe another shake if I'm still hungry.

This shit better work.

Random thoughts from yesterday:

What does it mean when you're relieved that it's a bill collector calling you as opposed to one of your ex husbands?

What does it mean when ex husband pluralized applies to you?

In my best Linda Richman voice "discuss".

Happy Tuesday!

It's On

As soon as I'm done typing this post (already stalling...sigh) I'm off to tan and then to the grocery store and buy all of the healthy foods needed to start my power diet of 1300 calories per day. According to my BMI results I'm in the beginning phase of obesity. Yay. I need to lose 36 lbs to get back to the healthy phase.

Read my lips... or my typing...whatever

I CANNOT BE OBESE.

Ugh - nothing about this is good, the word "obese" alone makes me cringe.

:(